(no subject)
Dec. 4th, 2009 05:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
liptonrm_backupSo, my body still hates me. Good to know. Plus I've been on this whole emotional rollercoaster thing this week, first I'm up, then I'm down, then I want to punch someone, then I never want to leave my house ever again, then I'm manically bouncing around and laughing. And then back around again and again and again.
See, this is why I never know when I'm PMS-ing because my moods are just that wondefully unpredictable all of the time.
Anyway, it's a little after 4AM and I've been up since 3. I'm surfing the internet for the exact kind of fic I want to read and, not surprisingly enough, can't seem to find it. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm not even sure what kind of fic it is that I want. Wah wah wah, and yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.
I wonder to myself, probably about once a day, just how much more of this I have left in me. My mother, in all of her unhelpfulness, will ask me, whenever I have the gall to say that I can't do one thing or another that she thinks I should be able to do, how in the world I'm ever going to be able to have a future career and life if I can't do X,Y, or Z? I of course, respond, usually internally, that I don't really have a choice and I'll do what I have to do.
Of course, my mother also doesn't have a "moderation" setting, it's either all or nothing, I'm either completely disabled or completely abled, there is no room in her worldview for "not entirely able but doing my damnedest." Actually, I've reached a point where I'm not taking much of what my mom says seriously. I mean, hell, she doesn't even like it when I talk about my friends anymore, she acts as if I love them more than I love my brothers or something. And she likes the Philosopher more now because she doesn't "act black," whatever the hell that means.
You know, I'd feel more like I could count on my family to be my safety net if falling into it didn't mean being infantilized.
I just realized that there is a point to this post, and that point is DON'T OFFER TO HELP PEOPLE JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. Because I get that a lot, especially from parents/churchmembers and it's the opposite of helpful. See, what's being said and what's being offered in these situations is two different things: You say you want to help me when really you mean that I both can't take care of myself and need someone to save me from my [fill in the blank]. But, as surprising as it may seem, I don't need a hero and I don't need to be saved.
My life may suck on any given day but that doesn't mean I need or want you in my space, providing service that is more about me making you feel better about yourself. That means that I am the one actively providing something that I probably don't have the energy or inclination to give. So, in essence, I'm giving you a portion of my precious energy, a scarce commodity that I don't have enough of even on the best days.
Here's a tip from me to you on behalf of all of the differently-abled: If I need something I'll ask for it. And don't just presume I need things unless I say I do.
If, let's say, I'm on the phone bitching about X,Y, or Z, a response of "If you need anything I'm here for you" is fine. But don't get all huffy if I don't need anything, or never ask you to do anything. This doesn't mean that I don't value you as a person or a friend, it just means that what you're giving me is already more than sufficient.
Example: My mom has a tendency to declare that she is going to come by and clean my kitchen/wash my clother/perform various housekeeping tasks and then she'll insist on me picking a date and time on which she can do those things. But I don't want her in my space messing with my stuff. So I'm suddenly left with the proposition of weighing how much her demands will cost against the price of her 'but you never let me do anything for you' nagging should I refuse them. There is nothing about this situation that will not make me feel worse afterwards than I did before it started.
There you go, a little advice from my lips to the internetz ears. This advice is also practicable when dealing with the able or the temporarily impaired. Heck, file this under "don't be a jackass" and I think we'll be good to go.
Because, seriously, don't be a jackass.
See, this is why I never know when I'm PMS-ing because my moods are just that wondefully unpredictable all of the time.
Anyway, it's a little after 4AM and I've been up since 3. I'm surfing the internet for the exact kind of fic I want to read and, not surprisingly enough, can't seem to find it. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm not even sure what kind of fic it is that I want. Wah wah wah, and yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.
I wonder to myself, probably about once a day, just how much more of this I have left in me. My mother, in all of her unhelpfulness, will ask me, whenever I have the gall to say that I can't do one thing or another that she thinks I should be able to do, how in the world I'm ever going to be able to have a future career and life if I can't do X,Y, or Z? I of course, respond, usually internally, that I don't really have a choice and I'll do what I have to do.
Of course, my mother also doesn't have a "moderation" setting, it's either all or nothing, I'm either completely disabled or completely abled, there is no room in her worldview for "not entirely able but doing my damnedest." Actually, I've reached a point where I'm not taking much of what my mom says seriously. I mean, hell, she doesn't even like it when I talk about my friends anymore, she acts as if I love them more than I love my brothers or something. And she likes the Philosopher more now because she doesn't "act black," whatever the hell that means.
You know, I'd feel more like I could count on my family to be my safety net if falling into it didn't mean being infantilized.
I just realized that there is a point to this post, and that point is DON'T OFFER TO HELP PEOPLE JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. Because I get that a lot, especially from parents/churchmembers and it's the opposite of helpful. See, what's being said and what's being offered in these situations is two different things: You say you want to help me when really you mean that I both can't take care of myself and need someone to save me from my [fill in the blank]. But, as surprising as it may seem, I don't need a hero and I don't need to be saved.
My life may suck on any given day but that doesn't mean I need or want you in my space, providing service that is more about me making you feel better about yourself. That means that I am the one actively providing something that I probably don't have the energy or inclination to give. So, in essence, I'm giving you a portion of my precious energy, a scarce commodity that I don't have enough of even on the best days.
Here's a tip from me to you on behalf of all of the differently-abled: If I need something I'll ask for it. And don't just presume I need things unless I say I do.
If, let's say, I'm on the phone bitching about X,Y, or Z, a response of "If you need anything I'm here for you" is fine. But don't get all huffy if I don't need anything, or never ask you to do anything. This doesn't mean that I don't value you as a person or a friend, it just means that what you're giving me is already more than sufficient.
Example: My mom has a tendency to declare that she is going to come by and clean my kitchen/wash my clother/perform various housekeeping tasks and then she'll insist on me picking a date and time on which she can do those things. But I don't want her in my space messing with my stuff. So I'm suddenly left with the proposition of weighing how much her demands will cost against the price of her 'but you never let me do anything for you' nagging should I refuse them. There is nothing about this situation that will not make me feel worse afterwards than I did before it started.
There you go, a little advice from my lips to the internetz ears. This advice is also practicable when dealing with the able or the temporarily impaired. Heck, file this under "don't be a jackass" and I think we'll be good to go.
Because, seriously, don't be a jackass.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-04 01:31 pm (UTC)I wish there was some way you could show your mom this post. You've made some really important, clear, and valid points here. Don't know whether she'll ever be able to truly hear you, but ... well. I wish.
Seriously, let's talk again at a future point about you moving a few hundred miles southeast.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-04 06:53 pm (UTC)After I had this all typed up and had finally been able to go back to bed I suddenly realized that I needed to add an addendum with good examples and how just knowing that I have friends that I can rely on is a huge deal. Like when we went to see the Proclaimers and I had to get out from in front of the stage in the middle of the set. Some people would've made that into a Big Deal but you just let it be and went back to enjoying the music. I kind of wanted to videotape that moment and point to it and say "This, right here, is how you do it, people!"
Because you're just that awesome.
Yes, let us talk again about me moving further to the southeast. I definitely need to start putting feelers out in that direction.